All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
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My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
me and the Superbowl rn
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.