Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
You Might Also Like
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.