If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
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I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Finally
How long do you have to wait between naps?
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.