1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
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Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice