*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
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“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.