me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
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Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”