Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
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Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable