I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
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DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice