[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
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STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
secret recipe
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I think the cat got the dog high.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.