Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
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Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Thursday
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!