911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
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[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Friday night party time 🥳
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?