It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
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[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”