For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
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Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
That’s amazing.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):