Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
saw this in a dream
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.