“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
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I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!