I like to take long walks away from stupid people
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Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
A man of commitment.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.