Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
You Might Also Like
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓