Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
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Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.