If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
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My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.