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Whisper out to librarians!
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
rise and shine we got egg
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.