“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
You Might Also Like
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.