Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
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So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
this could fix me
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value