i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
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news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism