me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
You Might Also Like
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
PLEASE READ
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
*gets down on one knee*
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF