PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
You Might Also Like
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Lmbo
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
PARKOUR
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.