A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
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Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
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me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone