The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
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911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee