sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
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My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.