[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
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Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Truth
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Möther may I have a snäck
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email