Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
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People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.