You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
You Might Also Like
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.