HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
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I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier