The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
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Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
The first matador
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]