nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
She: I like Cats
He:
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.