When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
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yeah not falling for this one
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
mood
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Woke up against my better judgement again
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.