1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
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So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
my mind
You just read my mind
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?