Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
You Might Also Like
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Just me?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.