The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
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‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line