Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
You Might Also Like
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.