english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
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Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Your honor these allegations are
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?