[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
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“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.