I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
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me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.