I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
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[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
pelicons
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.