We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
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[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.