Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
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when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 馃拃
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 馃槈
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can鈥檛 figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
this chia pet tastes awful
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Could鈥檝e posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.