May never get over this
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Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography