[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
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Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Free him
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge