My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
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Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Love is in the air fryer.
I want to meet the individual who made this
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.