ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
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BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Twitter fine art
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
This could be us… but you playing
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.