My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
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My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Have kids, they said
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Stop being racist to kettles.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Monday Lisa
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat